How do you measure up?

Hey There!

Have you ever thought about how you perceive yourself to measure up in comparison to those around you?

I’m here to tell you that the only person that you have to measure up to is YOU.

In today’s post, I’m going to tell you about the importance of “measuring yourself”.

For the people in the back “YOU DON’T NEED A MEASURING TAPE, IT’S NOT THAT KIND OF MEASURING”.

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The “measuring” I’m referring to is the measuring of your mental health.

What I mean by this is, comparing what your life looks like when you feel mentally well and what it looks like when you do not feel mentally well.

Being aware of the difference is key in your rate of rebound. Rate of rebound being how quickly you are able to go from not feeling well to feeling better. This tool is also important in helping you distinguish when you may have fell of the wagon in the first place.

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Personally, I like to start with the tasks or habits that I engage in when I’m NOT feeling mentally well.

I,

• Binge eat.
• I binge watch T.V.
• I feel a sense of urgency and rush through everything just so I can be done.
• I distance myself from friends and don’t make much (if any) effort to reach out to them.

I want to clarify that when I list these items, I’m saying that they make me mentally unhealthy when I start habitually engaging in them, like every day. It is okay to do any one of these things from time to time as long as their isolated incidents and not a commonality.

Remember? We are Empaths after all, we need protein (food) to feel energized and we need to take space from others to recharge.

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The healthy version of me engages in the world through the following ways:

1. Gives myself a break when I eat something like a donut instead of shaming myself. Where has shame ever got anybody? After going through this cycle over and over again (and inevitably will again) I can honestly say that shaming myself has fed fear into my brain over my eating. When I have used a shame narrative, I have found myself in scarcity mode and telling myself that I will gain all my weight back from having that donut.

…Have you ever heard the story about telling plants nice things helps them grow? I use this same approach when it comes to my insecurities around food and weight. At the end of the day, our self worth isn’t tied to our weight or our looks but easier said then done right? Tell yourself nice things, when has that ever hurt you?

2. The healthy version of me spends time in nature on a regular basis. Going for long walks helps me not only feel physically fit but nature provides a quietness that’s hard to recreate anywhere else. It gives me personal reflection time where I can sort out my thoughts from the day or the week. It even once and a while gives me light bulb moments.

3. The healthy version of me spends very little time on my phone scrolling social media. We’ve all heard of the “highlight” reel that is social media but that doesn’t stop others from posting their “highlights” or us from getting sucked into them. Quick Tip: Every day that I set the intention to, I don’t check social media during my lunch break. I don’t check social media until I pull in my drive way at home. I make a deal with myself that once I get out of the car, I’m done my social media time. I find this act serves as a good buffer in transitioning from work to free time where I can check social media but I give myself a deadline. I don’t know about you, but who really wants to sit in their car for a long time? Not me. 

4. The HEALTHIEST version of me sets the intention every morning to “be and stay present”. I am so used to rushing through everything that I’ve had to train myself (still doing btw and probably will for the rest of my life) to focus on one task at a time and to refrain from planning out my next moves while I’m doing that one task. It’s funny, somehow I still get everything accomplished and it actually feels like there is more time when I am present.

5. The even MORE healthy version of me sets NO expectations for the present or next thing. #4 and #5 are connected immensely because part of staying present is our ability to set no expectations for the moment or the following moment. Setting expectations leads to upset and dis ease. When I am able to do things without a plan, for the most part, I do not get as shaken when something changes the direction of the event because I had no expectations for how it was going to go in the first place.

There you have it!

Tell me, what does the healthiest version of you look like? What activities do you engage in when you are mentally well?

 

Shelby

 

Incorporating Joy

Hello Everyone,

As you may have noticed, I have been a little MIA in the last few months. I have no reason for being MIA other than not feeling I had anything of importance to write, and that’s OK!

Today, I got the sudden urge to write about an important topic– JOY!

I hope that in your lifetime thus far, you have experienced joy, noticed joy and tried your hardest to live joyfully.

If you haven’t, I’m here today to give you some ideas on how to incorporate joy into your every day life.

What specifically you might ask?

I am going to tell you how I personally incorporate joy into my least favorite every day tasks.

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A GOOD PLACE TO START…

What energizes you?

What is the one thing that can put you in a good mood?

For me, it’s music. I will listen to music hours on end because I love it so much!

Think about what your thing is…

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Next.

What are your least favorite tasks to do?

Mine- Dishes, laundry, vacuuming, cooking, grocery shopping.

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Incorporation time!

Let’s say I have to do laundry (specifically folding it), I will put a record on (today’s pick: Linda Ronstadt’s Greatest Hits) and jam out to it and dance around my room while I fold my laundry. Easy as that, “I GOT TO” listen to some music while I did my laundry.

The way you frame any situation is very important. Telling yourself you “GOT” to do something rather than “HAD” to can make a big difference on how you perceive the situation.

Onward, let’s say I have to go grocery shopping, what do I do first? I grab a coffee at either my local coffee truck or I go to the grocery store that has a Starbucks in it. Yes, the grocery store with the Starbucks is a little further drive. BUTTTTT it is so worth it to me because I get to order <—see what I did their… I get to order my favorite (White Chocolate Mocha) and walk the aisles aimlessly without a care in the world because I’m sipping on my favorite drink. In that moment, I am making a task previously dreaded, entirely pleasant.

Last example. I hate doing dishes, like really to the point where I get super upset about it. My dog gets upset at how upset I get over the dishes. Yes, it’s really that bad.

When I am able to, I either throw on an audible book or a podcast ( I do the same thinking for cooking sometimes too) as a distraction from my task. While I’m either dish washing or cooking, I am so enthralled in learning the content of the book or podcast that I am not even registering that I am currently completing a task that I hate.

That’s all! Find things that energize you (music, white chocolate mocha, books/podcasts). Figure out how to do them with your least favorite tasks.

Voila!

Shelby

Energy Update!

You may remember in TWO previous posts, I referenced my personal struggle of defining energy.

Those posts can be found below:

Where’s Waldo? (How to spot an Empath)

The Empath Toolkit (Short Version)

I have an update for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The universe has sent me an experience that gives me more clarity in what energy is and feels like.

Energy is a sudden change in your body. One that comes suddenly with numerous symptoms. It comes out of nowhere and hits you like a freight train. You were fine two seconds ago and all of a sudden you are not. Your mood abruptly changes. You lose track of whatever you were previously doing or thinking. Your body starts reacting before your brain can catch up to speed.

These symptoms you may experience CAN include:

• Shaking
• Nausea
• Headache
• Heaviness in the body
• Trouble breathing
• Sweating
• Crying

There are many more symptoms that one can experience besides the ones listed above. These symptoms are ones in which you have no medical explanation for their appearance. You may experience one or multiple symptoms at the same time.

The whole energy shift is like a quick thunderstorm; as quick as it comes, it leaves.

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->->-> Energy not only comes in the form of your physical body changing, it also comes in the form of intense emotions out of nowhere.

More than likely, there will be no thought behind the occurrence, only after is has passed.

Your body will likely feel super heavy after the energy exchanged has stopped.

The heaviness in your body can then result in a quick onset of tiredness.

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Energy is defined by dictionary.com as “A person with the paranormal ability to apprehend another person’s emotional or mental state.”

This definition hits the nail on the head for your energy experiences as an Empath.

Whether aware or not- you have the ability to apprehend the mental or emotional state of another individual.

*It is also important to note that you do not need to be in the same room or know the individuals who are exchanging the intense energy.*

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NEED NOT TO BE WORRIED…

These energy experiences are common and expected in Empaths.

They will occur most times during an intense energy exchange that you are either a part of, or not a part of.

You can and you will regain your lost energy; in your own time of course.

This is a GIFT. Even though it may sometimes seem like a unwanted burden; this ability will serve you and others in ways that are unparalleled.

You will experience compassion and love for others like few can.

Ride the wave 🙂

 

My Real (and Raw) Empath Experience.

Have you ever wondered what it’s like to experience life through the lense of an empath?

Whether you’re a fellow Empath or someone who would like to learn more about the Empath in your life, and what they experience, this post is for you!

All my posts are genuine and come from the heart; this one is NO exception!

The easiest way for me to convey my message is to tell you in story like form…

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There I was, sorting papers at my desk. I was making piles for each of my classes for the following Monday so I could give them the most organized feedback possible.

There was a meeting taking place in my classroom that I was not part of. When out of nowhere I blurted out something along the lines of “Can I say something? Maybe it would be better if you guys just stop talking about it for right now and table it. I don’t think you’re going to get anywhere.” They stopped. Then two seconds later when a Coworker started talking I told them to “Stop!”.

When it was decided that the conversation should continue, I contemplated for two seconds on asking the group to relocate or pondering to just physically leave; I chose the latter. My explanation: “The energy in here is really bad”.

I don’t think I’ve ever vacated an area so quick in my life; nor have I tied shoes as quick as I did.

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This experience is so important to my Empath experience. This is one of the first times in my life, where I was aware of my body experiencing the energy and the vibe of the room before my head did.

I remember when I started talking to the group, I was thinking “what the heck is happening Shelby? There was no precursor to this?” One second I’m sitting at my desk sorting, the next moment I am talking very fast while my body is shaking. I wasn’t able to make eye contact and my message was not intended for any one person.

WHAT’S IMPORTANT? The important piece to this story is the fact that as an Empath and just natural human being, I tend to listen and plan out what I’m going to say. This is the first experience of my life that I can say that the unconscious part of my brain was in full force while I was doing a task and started talking before the conscious part of my  brain kicked in.

I define this experience as kind of an “out of body” experience. I didn’t feel like me. It felt like a freak out.

Also, this situation is also very important because in hindsight, I believe it to be a rare situation where my brain was only listening; not thinking; therefore I took in all the raw energy from those around me with no personal input thrown in.

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On my way to my car and when I first got in my car, I still felt shaky, I felt nauseous and I was on the verge of tears (which came 5 or so minutes later). My car ride home was weird; no music could soothe my soul. I did something that I rarely do; I turned my radio off and drove in silence.

I knew this was a raw experience because I had no “personal” emotions attached. Because remember- I was only listening, not thinking. I was crying because I was internalizing and feeling everyone else’ emotions.

At the end of the day, I heard what everyone said and how it felt for them in their heart. I just wanted every one to be heard and validated.

When I arrived at home, I slouched over the steering wheel for a minute or so because my body felt heavy and completely drained. Once I went into my house, I felt pretty normal again other than feeling exhausted. I had people who reached out to me after the occurrence and I didn’t feel like I could properly communicate at that time. My brain felt hazy, in shock and just unsure of what had happened.

Within an hour or so after, I realized that I myself was completely fine. Nothing was wrong with me, I had no “personal” emotions tied to the way I reacted. Everything I expressed was about what other people were feeling.

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Then came the next morning…

For me, any unresolved matters from the day before tend to come back into the forefront of my brain while I am taking my morning shower.

This real and raw experience took its worst turn during my shower; I went into problem solving mode. I WANTED TO FIX EVERYTHING.

Yes, I came up with ideas. Did I share them? No.

I have realized recently that I need to stop trying to solve all the problems that I come across or witness; they’re simply not mine to fix or own.

Even after making this decision, my brain kept dragging me back in during my morning routine and my drive into work. I ended up being somewhat moody that day.

Good News- the need to problem solve eventually went away when I stopped giving it attention or feeling like it was something I had to do.

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What do you need to learn from this?

Here are my Key Takeaways:

1. In some moments in your life, your body is going to recognize what’s happening before your brain will.
2. It is okay and I advise you to leave the area that is producing such energy (if you are able to). It also may help those who are engaged in the intense energy exchange recognize what’s happening and slow down.
3. You do not owe anyone an explanation- the Empath stuff is wholeheartedly you.
4. During your experience, you may have moments when no personal emotions are tied to the event that is occurring.
5. Breathe Deep! It is what I did to and in my car before I left from home.
6. Ride The Wave. The problem solving aspect of being an Empath is what I find depletes my energy the most and sets me up to be in a more negative based mindset. My advise: think and access what you can do better or differently next time- other peoples part in it is NOT for YOU to solve.

 

I would now like to leave you with a resource that I used the day after to help me access how I could take care of myself.

Hope this helps You!

Follow the Fear…

Sometimes you have to listen to your own medicine or someone elses’.

This week was no exception.

While on a very relaxing trip to Myrtle Beach, I spent time on social media during the evenings and shortly after, found myself in constant worry about if whether or not what I was doing was going to cause me to have cancer.

Backing it up…

In the past few weeks, I have learned that people I know of, are currently battling cancer.

Then one night, I watched a very long video where a Cancer Survivor explained all the products and precautions they take to prevent a re-occurrence in their cancer.

Then somewhere during that, a singer who is a “self proclaimed health nut”, announced that they had to have precancerous cells removed from their body. Out of all people, you would never guess this person would, due to their constant posts about working out/training and eating healthy.

I took in all this information but didn’t think much about it.

HOWEVER…

I started instantly consuming myself with thoughts about every little thing that could possibly give me cancer.

Could this new bracelet I bought give me cancer?

Could this food I’m eating give me cancer?

Could the body scanners at airports give me cancer?

Could this makeup give me cancer?

Could this shampoo give me cancer?

… These thoughts pretty silently plagued me. These quick thoughts would pop into my head and make me question choices that I would have never questioned before.

It was today I decided to “follow the fear”—>

After noticing for the past 3 or so ish days that I quietly started obsessing over what could or couldn’t give me cancer I was like “alright, I’ve got to follow this fear rather than suppress it and hope it goes away”.

MAGIC PLEASE

The cure to this worrying was to simply sit with it…

It didn’t take long for me to realize after sitting with it, that my “empathic” senses naturally gravitated to the stories, sharing and concerns of these people.

To no fault of their own- these people were simply “sharing with a purpose” to help others. Unfortunately for me, my empath-ness kicked into overdrive and I immediately felt overwhelmed with the influx of information.

As Mel Robbins says, there’s always a “Message in the Mess”.

My message: After googling when did Cancer start to exist- many sources say around 1600 B.C., give or take; I came to the conclusion for myself; I will not obsess about something that may or may not happen to me.

People who make good choices get cancer.

People who make bad choices get cancer.

Anyone can get cancer.

While many people are helping by bringing awareness to these diseases, I’m going to bring awareness to myself that at this point in my life, it doesn’t serve me to obsessively worry.

Before you say anything, this is not meant to shame those who are helping with this horrible disease.

What I am saying is: this is all “my lesson” from the mess. Mine doesn’t = Yours.

I’m not here to tell you what to do or how to do life.

I know for me, my version is to not worry about things unless they happen and even then; how productive is worrying??? This short lived worrying about cancer, spiked my hypochondriac behaviors as well as “almost” convinced me that I currently have cancer. I have learned throughout life that I am prone to chronic worrying. When I get sucked into chronic worrying I switch into fear mode 24/7. Fear mode controls my life and takes my happiness away. I am choosing to live happily.

Ultimately: I learned that if I did NOT follow this fear, this fear would surround me every day of my life until I faced it. In facing it, I learned that “MY PREFERENCE”….—For the people in the back *MINE NOT YOURS*, is to not let my life give into the fear of the unknown. I learned FOR ME, that if I don’t listen to this fear, I will drive myself nuts trying to prevent something that ULTIMATELY & unfortunately is somewhat out of my control. I also learned once again (*HINT* if you “learned once again”, you are still learning) that limited time on social media is always best for me. My personal choice is to not consume myself with worry about something that may or may not happen to me.

PSA to those of you in the back and in the front:

Please. Please. Please go to the doctors!!! Early detection SAVES LIVES.

Please consult your doctor if anything seems out of the ordinary.

This story is one about my personal experience of how being an empath can toy with my emotions. 

I honor those who are “Sharing with a Purpose” and trying to help others. This post should not be taken in any way that dishonors them or the work they are doing.

My shared preference is in no way advice; (emotionally or medically).

Also, this post is NOT advising unhealthy behavior. This post is expressing the pitfalls of obsessive thinking.

PLEASE always do what you can to advocate for and help those who have or are currently battling cancer. 

What works for someone may not work for you. What works for you may not for others. Choose what works for you!

You do You.

The Path of Most Resistance

THIS week, I spent 2 hours one night trying to curl my hair; it didn’t work out how I had planned and I ended up posting a sad snap chat about the incident while I rattled off other “perceived flaws”.

The NEXT morning, I tried for over an hour to put fake eyelashes on; I became very upset when that too, didn’t work out the way I intended. I cried and cried and let it bother me.

Later that morning, I sat in my bosses office where we had an extended conversation about what an awful week I was having. I decided at the end of it to take a mental health day from work.

The night prior, I had several people reach out to me over snap chat and tell me I was being too hard on myself. One friend even told me that they don’t even see all the flaws that I speak of.

In my snap chat rant, I went on about how much my hair sucks, my crooked not white teeth that make me look like a donkey when I yawn. At this point I was just DONE.

After processing with others and in my head everything I was going through, I came to the conclusion that I just need to stop. I keep resisting who I am, by trying to do things that end up making me feel small (ex. hair curling, fake eyelashes, teeth whitening).

In this thought, I came up with a title to characterize how I’d been feeling- I was following “the path of most resistance”. I need to stop resisting who I am and not beating myself up.

I thought about my dreams. What if I have weird teeth and have difficulty doing certain tasks and I am meant to be this way so I can share with others to make them feel better about themselves??

What if the perceived “flaws” are just one of my many “tools” to help others and I was given them to stick out among others who look similar to one another??

What if my imperfections were my tool in being authentic and helping others be authentic??

My new goal: to embrace who I am, not resist it. I am on the right path and will be who I am supposed to be and attract the right people by being me.

What I have for you…

You are who YOU are supposed to be.

We can either be are worst critic or our BEST motivator.

Others don’t see the flaws we “think” we have and that’s a wonderful thing.- SEE yourself the way others see you

Letting go is WAY easier than resisting.

You don’t need to me to tell you WHAT’s holding you back from your authenticity; you already know.

The More AUTHENTIC you are, the more AUTHENTIC others will be.

BEING Authentic will help teach others that it is okay to be who they are.

 

Exponential Amounts of Encouragement & Love,

Shelby

I Don’t Agree With You

I DON’T AGREE WITH YOU

Five simple words. Five of the hardest words for me to say, including to those I am closest with.

For some time now, whenever I am experiencing something that I don’t like, I try (key word being try) to ask myself what I can learn from the situation moving forward.

The last 48 hours or so have been no different.

What should have been a very pleasant experience with two great friends turned into me reverting back to old habits. The old habits being that I have a wonderful friend that I don’t agree with a lot of the time. We love each other dearly but we don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things.

To be honest, our friendship started off really rocky. I was not nice to her a lot of the time during freshman year of college because I didn’t know how to take her; that’s completely 100% on me. To the best of my recollection, I don’t remember ever treating someone else the way I treated her.

This weekend started off so innocently until we were at dinner and we were talking about college. I made the statement that I didn’t think one of our professors dressed the most appropriate. My friend did not agree with that and started talking about how women should be able to wear whatever they feel most comfortable in. (This was the freshman year part of me that could not take her; not her as a person but the idea of someone challenging my thoughts. It is only in hindsight that I was able to reflect on this). I kind of don’t believe that I started forming my own opinions until I was in college. I grew up all around people who thought one way and just was raised to think similarly; not questioning why. I’ve always been a “do as your told kind of person” so I never considered there was anyway other to be.

Funny thing is, I don’t disagree with her. I too think women should be able to wear whatever they want.

The problem: I didn’t always feel this way and up until the last year or so I didn’t feel the same way.

When I started college, I was exposed to different ideas than the ones I was raised with.

My friend was one of those people who had very different views than I did. My freshman year self did not take well to those who thought differently from me. I so wanted to be right (even if I wasn’t). I was taught to believe I was right. Side note: If I am ever a parent one day, I don’t want to do that. I’m assuming though, that most parents (because they are human) believe they are right so they try to pass that mentality down to their kids. It worked for me!

It is so scary when people challenge the way you think and the culture you grew up in. I know for me, I took it extremely personally. I still deal with this on a day to day basis.

Back to this weekend. In this moment of conversation, I immediately felt judged for my opinion and felt not validated. This feeling led me to feeling shameful about having the opinion that I did. What I did with that shame can be characterized as “offensiveness and butting heads”. I immediately took a tone with my friend that wasn’t nice; it came off as mean honestly.

Fun fact about me: once I have one of these unpleasant interactions; I keep having more and more. It’s like being on a roller coaster that never stops even though I hold the key to the roller coaster.

*Head Explosion*

My head literally feels like it’s going to explode right now due to the endless thoughts in my brain.

I have so much to say and I want to get it out right now.

I am very sensitive to other peoples tones.

I don’t take well to others who I don’t believe consider the oppositions’ opposing view.

Classic Example: I have a lot of people I work with who consider themselves very liberal. They don’t have nice things to say about conservatives- at all.

a) I used to be a conservative and was raised by conservatives so I struggle when people label them as “bad” because I know I’m not bad.

b) I am not conservative now. I would say I’m more liberal leaning. However, I always want to know how conservatives feel and want to see things their way.

I am obsessed with playing “devil’s advocate” and wanting to see everyone’s side and defend everyone’s side; even if I wholeheartedly disagree with it.

Maybe this stems from a dislike of hearing myself and hearing other people shoot down other peoples opinions.

I find it very interesting that communication is based around interpretation. Nothing is really objective if you think about it; everything is our interpretation of things.

So much of my life I feel like I wasn’t being heard. Everyone was talking on top of me and I couldn’t express myself. When I would try to speak, I felt that I had to over-explain things so others knew what I was getting at. It has followed me all my life.

I literally want to ball my eyes out right now. I’m irritated because I don’t like the way this post is coming out, seriously.

I WANT EVERYONE TO BE HEARD. I WANT EVERYONE TO FEEL THAT NO MATTER THEIR OPINION, THERE IS A SAFE PLACE TO SHARE IT. I WANT EVERYONE ON THIS PLANET TO CONSIDER EVERYONE ELSE’S OPINION AND AT LEAST LISTEN TO IT.

When I don’t feel that or see that, I get stupidly angry. Point being: it’s never usually about the opinion, it’s the idea that others are not listening to other peoples opinions.

It is through this experience that I often find myself saying that I believe that the people who say they are open minded are some of the most close minded people I have ever met.

Why?

When we accept our way of thinking as fact; we close ourselves off from other peoples views and opinions. Therefore, we are close minded.

Am I saying that we have to agree with each other?

No.

Am I saying I have it all figured out?

NOOOOOOOO! I wouldn’t be writing this post if I did.

Do I consider myself an open minded person?

No. I don’t want to be labeled that way because I don’t want to close myself off from other ways of thinking.

This weekend I learned many things about myself. I learned that I still have the ability to revert back to old thought processes and behaviors that don’t serve me.

I learned that when I feel judged, I go to a place of shame and act out in a negative way towards others; especially those I’m closest with.

I learned that I do this to those I am closest with because I care about what they have to say and I care about what they think of me and how they make me feel. If I didn’t, I’d be able to let this go.

I learned that while I am growing, I still get sucked into defending my “younger self” even if it serves me no purpose.

I learned that I am not good at giving my feelings power. Never once have I had the courage in any situation to simply say “I don’t agree with you” and then move on. I let disagreements fester because of 5 words that I don’t say. I’ve never felt safe or in a place where I could say it; I created that. No, what I did instead was take a negative tone with someone else and project what I was feeling on to that person. Perhaps I made them feel how I was feeling.

I am so sorry for that.

In a car ride of reflection, I got deep down in myself to places I don’t like to go and will avoid going at all costs. I wanted so desperately to learn from this experience.

This post is on my blog because I truly believe that it is the EMPATH in me who has such a desperation for playing the devil’s advocate. I want all opinions and views to be heard, not agreed with, just heard.

Moral to the story——-> First and foremost to my friend, I am so sorry for the behaviors I displayed this weekend. I love you dearly! I hope that I didn’t hurt you and that this post doesn’t hurt you; if it does I’m sorry. Secondly, neither one of us is right or wrong; everything in life is subjective and up to our own interpretation. Thirdly, my growth upon all this reflection is to be more powerful with my thoughts because in that, my opinions will be just that; opinions, not a means to get defensive and be on the attack. Forth and final, another growth for me is when in doubt, let **** go. Wanting to be right is essentially meaningless and serves no purpose to anyone at the end of the day.

At the end of the day, it’s not good, it’s not bad, it just is what it is.

Love,
Shelby

 

The Best of Intentions

Is it Assume Good Intent or Assume No Malice?

Actually its the same type of comparison like when you look at a glass either half full or half empty. They both mean the same thing; just said differently.

This morning, I was driving to work when I got behind a car on the interstate that was going 40 m.p.h. At first, I was so mad because they were going so slow and taking up my time. Then I shifted the way I thought; “this person is not intending on making me irritated or late to work; they are just trying to safely get to their destination.”

I have two more examples from today for you:

I went and talked to my boss today about some workplace stuff that was occurring (nothing major). However, I was very irritable and I let it irritate me most of the day. I thought often about how if I were to address my grievances in the moment; I would end up making some people mad, quite likely because my wording would NOT be beautiful. I opted to not do anything about it today as I felt I was not in the right space. Right before writing this blog, I came back to this thought of not assuming others intentions. I now know in hindsight that if I had addressed my grievances in the moment, I would have ASSUMED many things such as: why people are or are not doing certain tasks. It would have been so counterproductive and accusatory. No one likes to be accused.

I now know that when I’m ready, I need to present my grievances in a non assumption ed way. I don’t know the why’s and why not’s of each person. For all I know, my grievances may have no validity or may be solved with an easy open conversation.

Final story. Today I went to Dunkin’ Donuts and the person behind the register said Hi to the customer behind the counter and asked them if they were getting their usual. I became very angry. Why? This was the SECOND time THIS week that someone at that Dunkin’ Donuts waited on a person behind me. Each time it was a different worker. I was so mad that I left bitter and irritated. The experience made me not feel like a valued customer. I was also mad that the workers clearly didn’t know good customer service. At this point, I was ready to make a customer complaint on their website when I got home. After festering for a good hour on the matter, I chose again to assume no malice/assume good intent. What did I find? Maybe the worker that I dealt with today thought they were doing a good job addressing the customer whose name they knew and thought they were practicing that they knew the customers really well. It didn’t make me feel any more important BUT…they might have intended to practice good customer service. I can also say the same for the young woman on Monday who chose to make drinks for her family before me; I don’t know, maybe her relatives are really annoying and she wanted them out of Dunkin’ quickly so they wouldn’t embarrass her at work.

The point is, I have no way of knowing; knowing actually doesn’t make a difference in my life.

What DOES make a difference in my life is whether or not I decide to see things in a negative light. The way I choose to see things only affects me. I can choose to either assume maliciousness, which will hurt me via negative thoughts or I can assume good intentions which will help me extinguish the grievance; which was self made by me all along.

I have to give credit to my boss Michelle because she was the one who taught me “Assume No Malice” last year. It has helped me several times; I only wish that I could remember to utilize it more.

This idea was brought back to life when I was doing my self study from Mindset Reset last night. The lesson was about “Assuming Good Intent”.

See below: Tune in roughly around for the beginning of the lesson 8:45

What my boss Michelle and Mel Robbins taught me is the same principle. It doesn’t matter how you phrase it; the intention is the same; you can assume either maliciousness or good intent. Both taught me that what you think won’t change the outcome of the event but it will change how you decide to look at things therefore, impacting whether you hold a grievance or not.

I started my day with a laundry list of grievances that I have now let go.

Tell me, are you currently experiencing any grievances that are based around assumptions?

Shelby

Interested in learning more about #MindsetReset ? Read more here

Where’s Waldo? (How to spot an Empath)

This is a quick guide for those of you who are wondering if you or someone you know is an Empath.

To parody off of Jeff Foxworthy, “You Might be a Redneck if..”.

“You might be an Empath if…”

• You turn other peoples problems into your problems and try to make it your personal mission to solve everyone’s problems.
• You are easily exhaustible due to the brain energy you use up thinking each day.
• You automatically sense and can speculate as to why someone is not themselves.
• You think your energy should match the energy of everyone else, regardless if it’s happy or sad energy.
• You don’t know how you do it, but you are able to sense and feel what others are feeling.

 

Remember this post The Empath Toolkit (Short Version)  ???

In this post earlier on my blog, I referenced how I have a student who asks me “what is energy?”. In my prior post, I felt that I didn’t know what energy meant to me (or at least I didn’t know how to verbalize it). Now I do!

“What is Energy?”

Energy is a new wave of feelings that are separate from your baseline feelings. These feelings are the kind that hit you instantly and without warning. These feelings make you stop and assess why it exists. Energy feels like a powerful surge through your body that you can’t control; only feel and assess. Energy can be like a boomerang; pinged off of one person to another. Energy represents a cosmic shift when the universe has decided it needs something from us. Our job is not to figure out why it occurs but how to work with it; not against it.

Comparison is the Thief of Joy

Don’t roll your eyes at me… YOU know I’m talking about ——>YOU<——-

If I had to guess, you’ve probably scrolled through social media an embarrassing amount of time today (and everyday for that matter).

If my calculations are remotely right, you’ve probably stopped and compared yourself to others on social media.

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If I’m a betting person, I would say that during your comparisons, you probably get the short end of the stick. Am I right?

“Ugh. everyone has what I want!”

“I wish I looked like that!”

“Why can’t I have that?”

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This next part, you are not going to like to hear.

Brace Yourself——–>

Comparison is pure jealousy.

JEALOUSY
JELLO-ousy

JEALOUSY.JEALOUSY.JEALOUSY.

All the comparisons you do and make are out of pure jealousy. You are jealous of what others have; things you wish you had.

Yes- circumstances play a big role in this but quite frankly; most of the time you have the means and the ability to change that jealousy/comparison around.

Jealousy is when we see things in other people that we wish we had and so therefore we compare ourselves to that.

Guess what, YOU ARE THE ONE CONSTANTLY CRAPPING ON YOURSELF…

Sorry sister, you can’t blame everyone in the sky for your problems.

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It is WAYYYY easier to sit on your damn couch and complain all day about how your life sucks and other people have it way better than you.

Ya know what? If you are taking the time to read this post than you know very well that I’m talking about you.

C’mon sis, it’s now time to take ownership of your limiting thoughts and behaviors. If you don’t know where to start,  Click Here

Your life is WAY to precious for this nonsense.

If I’m being honest…

• No one is as happy as they make themselves out to be
• Social media is one big “Highlight Reel” where people are masking the not so nice stuff about their life by posting only their happy stuff 
• These people you are comparing yourself to have a lot of problems too; no one is perfect
• Please stop comparing yourself to celebrities– we all know they have a lot of money and all that but it’s not all about that either. They are just as insecure as you

Did you know that only roughly 8% of women in the world find themselves beautiful ?!?!

That is an astonishing statistic- moral to the story-everyone else compares just as much as you do.

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It’s time to ask yourself some questions:

1. Why are you following this person who you compare yourself with?
2. What do they have that you wish you had?
3. What emotions do you experience when you see that person’s feed?

Most professionals suggest limiting time of social media; so do I.

BUTTTTT…… In order to fix the way we think, we absolutely need to be 100% vulnerable-even if it’s just with ourselves. You need to get honest and understand why you feel the way you do or it will never get better.

And….before I say more “Girl just stop it. Literally stop it.” Stop reaching for the “Epitome” or thinking others have the “Epitome”. It’s not about what you have or what you don’t have– the people who have it all are present; learn more here in my last post I have a present for you!

When you are comparing yourself, you are only taking away from you. And few believe it …BUT, there is actually room in this universe for everyone to be happy!!!

To quote Maren Morris “Man this shit’s unflattering, all up in my head again”…”Drawing your comparisons, trying to find who’s lesser than”.

Yeah Girl, even Maren Morris does it to! You are not alone:)

Life is hard enough; we make it even harder when we tear ourselves or others down because of what we don’t have.

Now that I’ve crapped on you for crapping on yourself, let me tell you some things. You are absolutely perfect and brilliant the way you are. You know deep down that all your “perceived” flaws are actually your greatest strengths. Your jealousy comes from deep admiration for what others do that you only wish you could do. 

It’s now your time– learn from those who make you jealous, I know I had to!

We all like to think that the people who we compare ourselves to have it all figured out, NO THEY DON’T. NONE OF US DO. THAT IS LIFE.

Tearing someone down will never build you up.

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Bloggers’ Recommendations:

• Do a social media detox- unfollow those (even your fave celebs) who do not add to  the enrichment of your life. Then once you’ve done that, unplug… FOR HOURS AT A TIME. Make it a point to check your social media only a few times a day (short increments).  Check out this article for more info—–> Social Media Detox
• Analyze and decipher what it really is that others have that you want.
• Once you admit it, it will be easier for you to take steps in the direction you desire.

Remember: We all have our own time. We are not meant to all experience things at the same time even though society likes to make us think we are. Things will happen when they are meant to. Especially as an Empath a.k.a. “Old Soul” we experience life at a much different rate than most others.

One last final and important question:

“Are you jealous and comparing yourself to other people based on things you think (or society) tells you, you should want?”

(OR)

“Are you jealous and comparing because you actually 100% want whatever it is someone else has?” 

What you THINK you want and what you ACTUALLY want make a big difference.

In case you didn’t know: there are parts about you that people are jealous of too! If we look hard enough, we can find things in everyone to be jealous of. Instead, appreciate and admire people who are crushing the same dreams you have- they are your example for why you can do it too!

Lastly, I’ve created a short playlist of songs to help you STOP COMPARING.

There are great things inside of you too! Remember that!

Shelby