I DON’T AGREE WITH YOU
Five simple words. Five of the hardest words for me to say, including to those I am closest with.
For some time now, whenever I am experiencing something that I don’t like, I try (key word being try) to ask myself what I can learn from the situation moving forward.
The last 48 hours or so have been no different.
What should have been a very pleasant experience with two great friends turned into me reverting back to old habits. The old habits being that I have a wonderful friend that I don’t agree with a lot of the time. We love each other dearly but we don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things.
To be honest, our friendship started off really rocky. I was not nice to her a lot of the time during freshman year of college because I didn’t know how to take her; that’s completely 100% on me. To the best of my recollection, I don’t remember ever treating someone else the way I treated her.
This weekend started off so innocently until we were at dinner and we were talking about college. I made the statement that I didn’t think one of our professors dressed the most appropriate. My friend did not agree with that and started talking about how women should be able to wear whatever they feel most comfortable in. (This was the freshman year part of me that could not take her; not her as a person but the idea of someone challenging my thoughts. It is only in hindsight that I was able to reflect on this). I kind of don’t believe that I started forming my own opinions until I was in college. I grew up all around people who thought one way and just was raised to think similarly; not questioning why. I’ve always been a “do as your told kind of person” so I never considered there was anyway other to be.
Funny thing is, I don’t disagree with her. I too think women should be able to wear whatever they want.
The problem: I didn’t always feel this way and up until the last year or so I didn’t feel the same way.
When I started college, I was exposed to different ideas than the ones I was raised with.
My friend was one of those people who had very different views than I did. My freshman year self did not take well to those who thought differently from me. I so wanted to be right (even if I wasn’t). I was taught to believe I was right. Side note: If I am ever a parent one day, I don’t want to do that. I’m assuming though, that most parents (because they are human) believe they are right so they try to pass that mentality down to their kids. It worked for me!
It is so scary when people challenge the way you think and the culture you grew up in. I know for me, I took it extremely personally. I still deal with this on a day to day basis.
Back to this weekend. In this moment of conversation, I immediately felt judged for my opinion and felt not validated. This feeling led me to feeling shameful about having the opinion that I did. What I did with that shame can be characterized as “offensiveness and butting heads”. I immediately took a tone with my friend that wasn’t nice; it came off as mean honestly.
Fun fact about me: once I have one of these unpleasant interactions; I keep having more and more. It’s like being on a roller coaster that never stops even though I hold the key to the roller coaster.
*Head Explosion*
My head literally feels like it’s going to explode right now due to the endless thoughts in my brain.
I have so much to say and I want to get it out right now.
I am very sensitive to other peoples tones.
I don’t take well to others who I don’t believe consider the oppositions’ opposing view.
Classic Example: I have a lot of people I work with who consider themselves very liberal. They don’t have nice things to say about conservatives- at all.
a) I used to be a conservative and was raised by conservatives so I struggle when people label them as “bad” because I know I’m not bad.
b) I am not conservative now. I would say I’m more liberal leaning. However, I always want to know how conservatives feel and want to see things their way.
I am obsessed with playing “devil’s advocate” and wanting to see everyone’s side and defend everyone’s side; even if I wholeheartedly disagree with it.
Maybe this stems from a dislike of hearing myself and hearing other people shoot down other peoples opinions.
I find it very interesting that communication is based around interpretation. Nothing is really objective if you think about it; everything is our interpretation of things.
So much of my life I feel like I wasn’t being heard. Everyone was talking on top of me and I couldn’t express myself. When I would try to speak, I felt that I had to over-explain things so others knew what I was getting at. It has followed me all my life.
I literally want to ball my eyes out right now. I’m irritated because I don’t like the way this post is coming out, seriously.
I WANT EVERYONE TO BE HEARD. I WANT EVERYONE TO FEEL THAT NO MATTER THEIR OPINION, THERE IS A SAFE PLACE TO SHARE IT. I WANT EVERYONE ON THIS PLANET TO CONSIDER EVERYONE ELSE’S OPINION AND AT LEAST LISTEN TO IT.
When I don’t feel that or see that, I get stupidly angry. Point being: it’s never usually about the opinion, it’s the idea that others are not listening to other peoples opinions.
It is through this experience that I often find myself saying that I believe that the people who say they are open minded are some of the most close minded people I have ever met.
Why?
When we accept our way of thinking as fact; we close ourselves off from other peoples views and opinions. Therefore, we are close minded.
Am I saying that we have to agree with each other?
No.
Am I saying I have it all figured out?
NOOOOOOOO! I wouldn’t be writing this post if I did.
Do I consider myself an open minded person?
No. I don’t want to be labeled that way because I don’t want to close myself off from other ways of thinking.
This weekend I learned many things about myself. I learned that I still have the ability to revert back to old thought processes and behaviors that don’t serve me.
I learned that when I feel judged, I go to a place of shame and act out in a negative way towards others; especially those I’m closest with.
I learned that I do this to those I am closest with because I care about what they have to say and I care about what they think of me and how they make me feel. If I didn’t, I’d be able to let this go.
I learned that while I am growing, I still get sucked into defending my “younger self” even if it serves me no purpose.
I learned that I am not good at giving my feelings power. Never once have I had the courage in any situation to simply say “I don’t agree with you” and then move on. I let disagreements fester because of 5 words that I don’t say. I’ve never felt safe or in a place where I could say it; I created that. No, what I did instead was take a negative tone with someone else and project what I was feeling on to that person. Perhaps I made them feel how I was feeling.
I am so sorry for that.
In a car ride of reflection, I got deep down in myself to places I don’t like to go and will avoid going at all costs. I wanted so desperately to learn from this experience.
This post is on my blog because I truly believe that it is the EMPATH in me who has such a desperation for playing the devil’s advocate. I want all opinions and views to be heard, not agreed with, just heard.
Moral to the story——-> First and foremost to my friend, I am so sorry for the behaviors I displayed this weekend. I love you dearly! I hope that I didn’t hurt you and that this post doesn’t hurt you; if it does I’m sorry. Secondly, neither one of us is right or wrong; everything in life is subjective and up to our own interpretation. Thirdly, my growth upon all this reflection is to be more powerful with my thoughts because in that, my opinions will be just that; opinions, not a means to get defensive and be on the attack. Forth and final, another growth for me is when in doubt, let **** go. Wanting to be right is essentially meaningless and serves no purpose to anyone at the end of the day.
At the end of the day, it’s not good, it’s not bad, it just is what it is.
Love,
Shelby
Authentic Empath 